Coeur de la Matière

Oh, hello there!

2011-09-02T17:20:00.000+08:00

So this is the month when I'll be turning a quarter of a century, and I decided to resume writing after being gone from here for a year and a half.

Time flies. Sort of.

Looking back at the previous entry, I mentioned wishing for 3 things and the good news is that I've achieved half of them. (hooray!)

Firstly, I got the job. Tried it out and realised the truth of the industry and left. More about that later in another entry. It really does deserve an entry of its own for a complete tell-all.

Secondly, I'm currently a varsity student (hooray again!) which means if I manage to pass every single modules, then I shall attain the goal of being a varsity GRADUATE. So that makes half the wish achieved.

As for the third wish of going into health science one day, it will probably always be on the back of my mind and if I never did see it through some time in the future, then I'm certain it will be my greatest regret. As for now, it shall remain as a precious wish kept away safely at the bottom of my heart.

So yeah, that sums up the difference between my last few thoughts a year and a half back then and now. I did realise half of them and that's a great stride to be honest. I could have forgotten all about them but I didn't.

More importantly, as mentioned, I am turning a quarter of a century this month and I decided that I need to document what I've achieved for myself and to pen down my thoughts and feelings so that I can one day look back and do a review of my progression and changes.

A year and a half brought about a few changes and I wonder what will become of me over the next 5 years? Will I still be writing here when I turn 30? Well that, we shall see.

As for now, I'm back.

Over the rainbow.

2010-04-21T00:36:00.000+08:00

Looking at Yannie's graduation photos on Facebook makes me feel really happy for her, and also re-establishes the fact more firmly that I will have to depend on myself from now on. What I hope to achieve shall start from me, and no longer can I hope that someone else (for example - the parental) will provide for me and to make my wish come true.

One day, I will be a varsity graduate.

It was an almost attainable dream, thanks to the parental, but because of a slight twist of fate, it wasn't meant to be. I've been so hung up on it that it's eating me alive. Looking through Yannie's photos made me realise that my dream is still attainable, but this time around, I will have to attain it with my own means. No more being dependent on others. It is definitely a much greater challenge, but things will happen as long as you believe, want it bad enough, and is willing to work towards it.

I believe. I also want it tremendously. And I am willing to work towards it.

Went for an interview earlier in the day and everything went pretty well. I have a good feeling about it, but Hendrik being Hendrik, told me not to put too much hope into it. Told him that I'm going to write down, on a piece of paper, countless times "I will get the job with ***" and he laughed at me. I do believe that positive reinforcement helps. I shall radiate all the positive cosmic energy towards me!

Sometimes I wish that he will be more encouraging. He can be such a wet blanket at times.

I really hope I get the job, successfully complete the training, and do well in the selected field. Other than being able to bring me closer to my dream, this is also an exciting opportunity to develop another set of skills and to bring me up-to-date with the world market. Something I have been avoiding for years.

It is all down to me now. Everything that I want from now, I will get it with my own means. There will be no one else except for myself now. Took me a while to grab this notion, but I'm glad I did. Helped changed my perspective, which is really crucial.

I believe. I want it tremendously. I will work for it.

One day, I will be a varsity graduate.

One day, I will go into health science.

First up though, I want to get that job.

I will get that job!

Positive reinforcement.

C'est la vie.

Life is Good.

2010-04-13T06:20:00.003+08:00

I don't have the urge to share any of my thoughts again. Perhaps it'll be a phase, perhaps it will not be. Maybe there will be a new ground. Otherwise this might be locked. Still contemplating.

There are many things on my mind. Am I a late bloomer? Seeing the things that others have achieved is bringing me into yet another self-beating. Why the constant disparagement against myself? One day it will bring me down for good. One too many trip-up and it may one day be permanent.

I'm constantly sad. But does that means I'm unhappy? Is there an exclusive relationship between sadness and unhappiness? Is there any identifiable links between sadness and unhappiness? Can you be happy but sad? Can you be sad but happy? How about happy, yet sad? And sad, yet happy? Words. They are a tricky bunch.

Am I a thinker? Am I a healer? Am I a teacher? Am I a learner? Am I none of those? Am I any of those? I am an occasional reader. Sometimes I just glance through sentences without absorbing the meaning to it. I'm anxious to get to another paragraph. Another paragraph which interests me.

I hate ingesting solids. I hate it because I hate seeing what comes out of it. I hate putting things into my body which makes me feel ill or at unease. I have a poisonous vermin in my mind, worming an intricate network of subliminal messages. I am made of clay.

Clay... That unfinished piece of art. How long has it been now? It has been a good 8 years, yet it still haunts me. I suppose I'm meant to finish it. I think I should. I need peace. Inner peace. That is precious.

I miss you. Do you know that? I cried while talking to you over the phone. Did you know that? It hurts me to know what's going on in your life right now. Do you know that?

Sometimes I think I am desperate. Desperate for a way out. Out of where? Out of this environment I loathe, or just plain out of my mind? The mind makes what you feel of everything. So perhaps it is my mind that I want out of.

August is approaching. It is going to hurt real badly. Time to hibernate from the truth.

Time to run.

Time to take flight.

Time to say goodbye.

One, Two, Outta My Shoe.

2010-04-05T00:15:00.000+08:00

Don't forgive me. There's no point in doing so. I will only end up doing the same thing, or even worse. I'm so screwed in the mind that I'm hopeless. Nobody can save me. Even I don't want to save myself anymore.

I started with zero, and I'm going to end up with zero.

I just know it. The stage has been set.

Get lost and find a happiness befitting for you. You don't belong in this insane playground. Nobody does.

Starting from ZERO.

2010-04-04T21:38:00.000+08:00

You're too hard on yourself.

Haven't we had this conversation two years ago?

When you keep pushing someone's button, you're testing the boundaries. But when they push your button in return, you clam right up.

Yeah. The more I push their button, the further they expand. But I just go inwards. What a contradiction.

In a relationship, you're the abnormal one.

What do you mean abnormal?

Well, people tend to react in a certain way, and that's normal. But you react in a totally different way, and that's abnormal.

I don't know why I do the things I do. I don't know why I feel the way I feel. Being in a state of limbo, and so out of place. I constantly push everyone away as a justification to my direction-less advance in life. Am I capable of being happy? It's as if all is just a pretense. A pretense of being all right. A pretense of being normal.

I started with zero, and I'm going to end up with zero.

I don't know why.

There's a bird in my brain.

2010-04-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

I know I'm in the wrong, but the crazy thing is, I don't feel that I am. The mind and the heart are at war now. I think I'm going crazy. Just how in the world does my heart justify my grave mistake as being all right?

I need my mind to be in control again.

I'm slowing losing myself.

And just why is it that I don't feel any regret in my action?

I really am going crazy.

Starting to lose all sense of right and wrong.

Feeling like....

2010-04-02T22:29:00.000+08:00

A GOD-DAMNED LOSER.

The "L" word.

2010-03-28T03:36:00.005+08:00

LACTOSE INTOLERANCE.

Most people tend to become lactose intolerant as they grow older. This is due to the body's decreased ability to break down lactose, as the body starts to produce lesser lactase, the enzyme required to break down the lactose in milk and dairy products into the simple sugars (glucose and galactose), which the body is able to absorb.

My body is now telling me that I'm OLD. That I'm old enough to become lactose intolerant. Thank you for the subtle message, my lovely body.

24 is not old.

It is NOT.

Status: ON

2010-03-26T00:27:00.001+08:00

Defense mode has been triggered, and am now in the "avoidance" stage.

Next up will be "flight".

Well done Elise. You're doing it again.

Closed Quarters

2010-03-18T05:45:00.005+08:00

The space in ones' head is probably the only place where silence can be obtained and where no betrayal will exist.

That is possibly true, until one loses the mind. That's when chaos reins the space and there will never be silence again.

Ever since Pine betrayed my trust, I've never trust enough again to confide my most inner thoughts to another.

When I say "I don't want to talk about it", that is as literal as it means.

Stop probing.

No matter the relation, some spaces are meant to be, and will always be, off limits.

I believe that there is a little part of everyone which they wish to remain the exclusive owner of.

And for me, the space in my head is exclusively mine.

Tonight...

2010-03-17T22:55:00.006+08:00

I cried.

I cried for my inability to be there for Evee.

I miss her so.

Truth is...

2010-03-16T06:35:00.000+08:00

I'm a really selfish person.

What I have at any point in time, will eventually become what I don't wish to be in possession of, and this has been a repetitive cycle.

The cycle has began, again.

Time to be a sinner, again.

Another one.

2010-03-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

Some weeks back, was told that Pung went off to Sdyney for his Dental course, and saw his photos on Facebook today.

It hurts badly. It hurts so damn badly.

The familiar supermarts and the familiar sky. He's in Health Science faculty too.

So much similarities... So much hurt...

I hate feeling this way. I hate it so damn much.

I'm trying to make things work. I'm trying to find a way to make things work. There are so many things which I don't know about, and it feels as though I'm constantly feeling for a way through in the dark. Where are the adults in my life? Where are the grown-ups who are supposed to show me some guidance or give some support? Why in the world do I always have to seek out solutions and resources on my own?

I know it helps me grow and makes me more independent, but sometimes I do wish for a shoulder to lean on, and a strong sturdy arm to hold me up when I'm tired.

I want it so bad, but I have no idea how to go about getting it. I'm stumbling in the dark and am just about exhausted.

Just have to hang in there more. One day I'll find it.

I just have to keep believing.

Faith.

Ooooommmmmmmmm.......

2010-03-05T06:38:00.000+08:00

If trying to negotiate for a shelf space is tough, I wonder what length I'll have to go through to negotiate for a space as my "peaceful zone".

My mind is set on the space in front of the bed. I'm going to get it!

MOTIVATION!

ALL ATOMS IN THE UNIVERSAL... PLEASE VIBRATE TO MY FREQUENCY!

I think there's a theory to that... Hmm... Oh well.

I wonder...

2010-03-04T16:40:00.001+08:00

What kind of woman am I?
What kind of woman do I want to be?

How should I live my life?
What's my philosophy in life?

What kind of food do I want in my body?
Should I become a vegetarian?
Should I start off by being a flexitarianism?

What do I want out of life?
What do I want to do?
What is my passion?

Do I love enough?
Am I selfish?
Will I ever be happy?

Will I ever fulfill my dream?
Will I get to do what I want to do?

What am I all about?
What's my purpose for existing?

If loving means hurting?
If I'll ever be ready?

Who am I?

Who is Elise?

Weiliang

2010-02-28T20:55:00.000+08:00

There are some people whom you can never forget. Such as one's first love.

It's been 7 years. Yet the memories are still as vivid.

The brain is indeed a really funny thing.

Adam Kling - Get Together Tonight

2010-02-20T01:58:00.045+08:00

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Well I can see you had a rough day baby, well maybe I can loosen you up.

And I can see you need a refill baby, well maybe I can fill up your cup.

And if we do a slow song, maybe we can hold hands, dancing till the song ends, then we'll look up.

And if our eyes meet, smiles cracking, arms don't fall, then we'll both know that we're gonna hook up.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

I'm sending you an invitation, respondez-vous s'il vous plait.

I let you pick the time, day or night, there is no reason to stay home tonight.

I know that you're not pre-occupied, that you are bored and you're not tired.

Just think you can be here in a week's time. There is no reason to stay home tonight.
Come on by, anytime to say hi, night or day, day or night.
I'm always open for you. I'm hoping that you will show.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Well I can feel that there's a new day coming, something's telling me from deep down inside.
I think it's time I stop the all day yawning, something's waking up with much better signs.

And all the while, it was you, it was you and your smile, that carry me from day to day.
And I have to say, now that we are face to face, there ain't no place to run away.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

16th February 2010

2010-02-16T01:47:00.004+08:00

Supposedly, this date is meant to mark the start of an importantly new chapter in my life. Yet as we all know, things change. It certainly did.

2 entire years of planning and waiting blown to dust. Perhaps it is just being postponed. Perhaps it is never meant to be at all. Who knows for sure? Definitely not me.

CHANGE

We don't like it, we fear it.

But we can't stop it from coming.

We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.

It hurts to grow.

Anybody who tells you it isn't, is lying.

But here's the truth.

Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And sometimes, sometimes change is good.

And sometimes, change is everything.

- Grey's Anatomy

It doesn't hurt anymore when I think about it, but the occasional brush with a similar circumstance brings upon the nostalgia, which seeps in and ruffles my emotion. It can get a little upsetting, but that is all there is to it.

Time does heal. It's a game of patience. There isn't any winner or loser at the end of it, but just about a state of being. Being able to comprehend. Being able to accept. Being able to embrace. Being able to get over it. Being able to move on.

Time to go.

Thanks for being the very first thing I ever wanted in my life. Thanks for bringing me through all the great adventures, even though the ultimate destination is not reached. Thanks for everything that came along.

It is time to go.

As they like to say... Time to move on to a greener pasture.

And whether the next pasture is really greener? That, we'll see.

Feeling...

2010-01-26T03:41:00.004+08:00

Trapped.

Like a bird in a cage.

Noël

2010-01-25T22:29:00.006+08:00

Recently, I've been thinking about you.

You are always there, regardless of the distance and time. You are still there, despite what I've done to you.

I often wonder how things might have turned out if I've taken a leap of faith, but because I am selfish, I did not. I made you suffer. I pinned it all on you, with the worst excuses I can come up with. Yet despite all of that, you still stand by me. Up till today, you still make the effort for me.

Even though now you're always doing things for me in the name of "friends", I know that you still love me. Deeply. Thank you.

In another two months, time will mark the second anniversary of our acquaintance. I'll always remember how you fell in love with my humour and optimism. Even though one of those redeeming qualities has faded greatly. You saw the worst side of me, and yet you maintained that I was just under too much pressure. You take it all upon yourself.

Perhaps the greatest gift you presented to me was your patience. I always made you wait. You never walked away. Very silly of you.

No amount of apology on my part will be able to lessen the guilt I feel toward you. Perhaps I will bring those guilt with me till the very end.

Christmas. A new meaning to it. Not just because of your sacrifice, but because it is a part of who you are.

Noël.

Snow falls. Man of pure white built. The name so tenderly imprinted on the milky crusty ground.

Merci beaucoup, mon ami.

Merci beaucoup.

The Mist

2010-01-21T18:55:00.002+08:00

This is it. The final step.

Have you ever wondered how the saying of "the heart weeps" feels like?

It's a tragic feeling. Your eyes don't shed the tears. It's the heart that's shedding those tears.

Time to put down the old frame, and to build a new one.

Goodbye...

Calm

2010-01-16T04:00:00.002+08:00

I want this heart to stop beating because it is hurting too much.

That was what just went through my mind, and I wondered if somewhere else in the world, at this exact moment, someone else is hurting like I do. I need to write.

Was going through the list of people whom I can go to during such moment, and one by one, I cancel them out. Gave myself reasons as to why they won't be there for me. The smaller the list got, the worst I felt. Who is going to be there for you at 3AM in the morning? Can't think of anyone. So I cried even more. Feeling even worse.

Then I thought of what he wrote. "Means to be 24/7 ready for you." What sweet words, but from another man who is not my partner. From a friend.

The one person I desperately want to go to but can't, because I am so afraid that he will turn me away. That he will finally see the light of who I am, a total wreak, and rejects me.

The silence game. I can't take it anymore. It gives me bad thoughts which my mind spins stories out of. It's all just lies.

"I love you more than you can imagine. Remember that."

Lies. If you really love me, then you won't be playing the silence game. Why aren't you able to see that I'm hurting inside? Why is it that someone else whom I hardly ever meet can sense that something is wrong from just one text, but not you, who sees me daily? Is your ego really that important to you? I'm not even comparable or worthy to something so intangible and non-physical.

You open yourself up to someone, but one day they will turn around and stomp all over your exposed self.

I'm too much of a coward to end everything. I don't have the courage to cut so deep that the body won't heal. The only thing I can do is to numb myself. I want to drink. I want to feel the tiredness that envelops me with warmth. It tells me that everything will be all right. That it is all right to fall and fail. That I will stand up again. It tells me to go to sleep. To hand over myself in confidence to its blanket of security. That false sense of being protected from harm. Yes I know it's false, but at least it sooths and calms the chao within.

I want to disappear. I want to run away. I want to vanish so desperately but there's nothing I can do. Feels stuck in the middle of a two-way traffic. Fear. Too much fear.

I don't want to think and I don't want to feel anymore.

Nothing is worth it all. I can't see the light at the end. There's no fucking light like everyone says. It is bullshit. I feel so small. Like a speck of dust.

I want to be erased. Yes, people will be hurt. But they will get over it eventually. I just don't see the way out of this dark madness.

Take me away in my sleep. That will be the easiest way out.
Body, please just fail on me.
Let me go.

Get more sleep.

2010-01-15T23:35:00.001+08:00

Received an email from the school indicating that there's a credit under my account, and whether I would like to request for a refund or to continue towards future enrolment. As much as I want to, I don't want to put myself through into finding out if there's even a chance for me to get enrolled again in future. It just pains too much to have yet another chance at hope, and to have it dashed again. Having been through it twice, I doubt there's any courage remaining for the third try.

I don't know.

I hate how things are turning out. Personally and professionally.

Speaking of which, it is better to walk away while one is still shining, rather than to fade away into obscurity. It is always better to leave a good parting impression than to screw everything up and destroy all ounce of good on your part.

I hope the fever goes away soon. Stupid viral infection.

On a parting note, I was wondering whether the pain of losing someone is diluted through the dispersion of that pain, over the lot of people who will feel the pain of that lost. Something along the line of pain sharing.

Wouldn't it be better if that is how thing works? Then the pain of losing a treasured one will be shared, and not as concentrated when dealt with individually. That will bring about another meaning to the word "society".

Thoughts are way too random and analytical. Or perhaps more philosophical.

I've been contemplating the closure of this space. It was created with a particular goal in mind, but now that the goal isn't there anymore, I don't know whether there's still any meaning in writing. It doesn't make sense to be penning down my depressive thoughts to the world, when I'm not the worst lot out there. So I ought to shut up and keep it to myself.

Sigh.

I should have ended my life when it was all shiny and bright. Right now, I'm just dull and faded. An over-washed fabric.

Not very exciting.

Good night world. I will try to love you more.

It's better to burn out than to fade away.

- Kurt Cobain

Of acceptance and letting go.

2010-01-08T18:00:00.001+08:00

There are many things which I have to learn to let go. Otherwise, I will always be suffering in silence. Those invisible rangers stealing away a little of my soul, on a daily basis.

Please give me the wisdom to know better, and the strength to let go of things that shouldn't be held on to.

"If it's dead, don't go digging it up every five minutes to check if there's a pulse. It's dead, walk away."

- Richard Templar

Elise.

It is dead.

Accept that fact.

Let go of it.

Move on.

Create a better life.

Stop hurting.

Let go.

The more the better, the bigger the better.

2009-12-30T23:49:00.002+08:00

The meet up with Jessica babe ignited a spark in me.

I've been cracking my brain over which area to further develop the experiences I've gathered over the past two years, with a part of me missing the glitz and attention of the artificial social world, and with my budding interest in that showy world which seems so unattainable to most. It has been on my mind for quite some time, to perhaps give it a go and explore that hectic scope which will no doubt further educate me of the many other social skills essential for survival in this economically material world.

Perhaps it is time to delve back into the pretentious spectrum and put on an act, just as everyone else is. At the very least, there's an excuse to possess an awesome wardrobe and killer collection of gorgeous footwear.

Speaking of which, I just browsed Jimmy Choo up real and personal, and it was heaven. Also, that great looking jacket from Max&Co. Not to forget, the fabulous feel of the fabric of agnès b. Materialistic heaven provides a temporary relief.

All I wanted was to be simple and natural, but it seems being complicated and made up works much better in this world we're in. So hey, why not throw in the towel, go with the flow, and have a flamboyantly good time?

Life is too short to be an earthen ware. Might as well be a porcelain vase. And an expensive one, at that.

I guess I'm sick of being a doormat. Nice, yes. But it gets you nowhere.

The End

2009-12-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

I have just lost everything, and in all honesty, it was a huge relief. There isn't the need to keep pushing myself when the drive has long been gone, being fuelled on purely by the mentality that "I have to do it for so-and-so" and "I can't abandon the ship now".

It has gotten to the point that every single person who walked through the door, I loathe them. Those same thoughts kept running through my mind, painting a poisonous picture of every single thing. Reminded me of the day when I walked away from the office because I couldn't make myself walk through its door. The kind of crushing pressure I put on myself. It will be my downfall one day.

"Why are you so weak?"

"When will you change for the better?"

"Why do you keep beating yourself up?"

"If you can't even handle the stress here, what about that of the outside world?"

Hurtful words, but filled with truth. Brutal honesty, but I'm too tired to retaliate or defend. There is no point in doing so. Just let it wash over like a tidal wave. It hurts, but you get over it. It slapped you around, but it's momentary.

Isn't that LIFE?

Reality sucks. No one said it was awesome.

My world may feel like crap to me, but so does that of many others. So why bother whining? Why bother with justification? Why not just shut up and let it be? Sinking or swimming? If it doesn't even bother me, then it really isn't much of your business.

So what if I once shone so brightly? It's all over. It's all in the past. The past is dust. Perhaps now I just want to be dirt?

Self-satisfaction comes in many forms.

Revelation?

2009-12-25T22:03:00.000+08:00

To find yourself, you will have to first lose yourself.

To gain a brand new perspective, you will have to first lose everything, including losing yourself.

I wonder if that's true.

Knowing

2009-12-13T16:39:00.000+08:00

Knowing, can be a good thing. At the same time, it can be a bad thing. Whichever nature it takes, depends on how one reacts to the situation of knowing.

You might open up a can of worms which you can't deal with, leading to knowing being a bad thing. Or you can emerge a better person, by learning to deal effectively with the revelation of knowing, which makes it a good thing.

So how will I deal with this new knowledge which I've stumbled upon? I'm taking the road of effective management. Somehow I will come out of it a better person, armed with the knowledge of having known, and with much better understanding of the situation.

Knowing can be a good or bad thing, depending on how you deal with it.

P.S. I'm madly in love with John Mayer. "Battle Studies" is awesome! A pity I can't sing along. Darn it for losing my voice.

I love Life. I am truly blessed to be alive. Everyday is a blessing and a miracle.

I love Life.

Urge

2009-12-12T22:40:00.002+08:00

Urge (noun) - a force or impulse that urges; especially : a continuing impulse toward an activity or goal.

Extracted from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

"I am sick. I do not have control over my life, and the only time when I feel I do, is when I cut myself."

Reading that gave me the urge to cut myself, but fortunately, I have better sense than to submit to it.

"You are not sick. You are just a normal person who is reacting to an abnormal circumstance."

Reading that made me teared, as I was reminded of the exact same words being told to me. But somehow deep down, I feel that there is something wrong with myself. Everyday, I'm fighting and learning to purge this thought. Yet every time, I saw the girl who told.

Inner demons. They are so hard to silence once you allow them to grow.

New Beginning.

2009-12-05T22:52:00.001+08:00

Taking a little at a time, slowly treading into this new territory I've set my heart on, for now.

"Do you foresee yourself being in this industry, 10 years from now?"

The answer is something which I know very well right from the start. This passion is one which will burn out eventually. My heart has long been stolen by something else.

Whether I'll ever get the chance again to embark on my ultimate passion, is something which has been weighing on my mind ever since, and it's slowly imprinting a scar on me. A constant reminder of my failure in not having fought harder for myself. A heart-wrenching lesson learnt, and a heavy price to pay.

I've always counted on my lucky stars to have a smooth sailing life, advancing onto the next stage of life without any stumbling block. Not much effort was ever required from my part, which makes taking things for granted, even more convenient an option. I guess this is my retribution. A sign that I will have to pull up my socks now, otherwise I'm not going to get what I really want.

It is a difficult lesson, and it might, or might not be, a detour. I will like to believe that it is a detour. A stumbling block. I just have to learn to pick myself up and continue on towards my goal. I hope I will have more faith in this. I need to have more faith.

Time has been spent on allowing myself to crumble, and now it's time to pick everything up and reinvent myself. The tough cookie exterior is to be donned again.

I will give my best for what I've pledged myself to, and I will carry through with this new commitment. It is ALL or NOTHING. And I choose ALL.

I will not give up. Despair will be kept at bay.

For I am strong.

The End.

2009-11-30T21:28:00.001+08:00

Death of the velvet goose.

Death of what I could have been.

Death of me.

Just a mere shadow now.

Detached.

Unfeeling.

All that is left are fragments of a broken heart.

Without passion.

Without motivation.

Perhaps a grey goose will rise from the ashes.

Perhaps.

Broken Dreams

2009-11-27T18:34:00.002+08:00

As children bring their broken toys,

With tears for us to mend.

I brought my broken dreams to God,

Because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him,

In peace to work alone.

I hung around and tried to help,

With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

How could you be so slow?

My child, He said,

What could I do? You never did let go.

Credit to NameAndThingsZone.com.

Heavy hearted.

2009-11-25T03:49:00.000+08:00

Too many things on my mind, which are all too mingled to sort them out. Heavy heart, with a tinge of pain.

Is this as good as it gets?

心

2009-11-11T23:18:00.001+08:00

会变质的爱，还算是爱吗?

世界上是否真有不变质的爱?

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。

有多少人能够真正的接受这番话?

有多少人能够无怨无悔的跟从这主义?

我有一份爱。

一份我想让它天长地久的爱。

我有一个他。

一个我想步下红毯的他。

问题是。。。

会变质的爱，还算是爱吗?

Ghost

2009-11-08T19:59:00.005+08:00

Starting to lose sleep again, and of all times, it has to be a week away from the follow-up appointment at NUH.

The cycle started the night after I told Jessica babe about my probable decision regarding Flinders. She was pretty shocked and commented "But you've spent so long thinking about it!" That is the true fact of the matter. I have spent the past two years planning and looking upon the day to come, and just shortly before the final realisation of this "dream", I realised that it might not be what I've always thought it to be.

What a contradiction. A huge one, to top it off.

Hasn't have the time to calmly think about every factors surrounding this issues, and have yet to speak to Old Bean about it. Uncertain of his reaction to my decision, when he has already said that my main concern will be to deal with my studies, and everything else will be dealt with by him. He is truly the rock in my life. My Superman. Yet, will I have the heart to put him through another four years of financial strain? I'm finally working and being fully financial independent, and this has been a huge relief for myself. I'm sure it has been a relief in a way for him too. Adding to that, the imbecile of a brother who's living off the family and not feeling embarrassed or guilty about it. I doubt I will be as selfish. I have been, for way too long in the past, and I'm glad that it's finally out of my system. So why will I justify the attempt to get back into it?

I'm glad that I've been given the precious opportunity to head to Perth for a short period, and to see and understand that the world is as vast as we can ever imagine. I crave and lust for that opportunity again, but now just isn't the time. I've just been too stubborn to face it, must less admit it. All these changed when Hendrik came into the picture. He made me realised that some things just cannot be avoided by simply running away. And yes, I'm trying to find the courage and strength to admit and deal with things which I've been running away from for years.

Recently, the emotion of having to give up Flinders is starting to dawn upon my heart, and the aches of a broken heart is thumping endlessly. Tears have been shed and I was reminded of the time when I received the letter which told the fate of my unsuccessful admission for year 2008. The heartache I felt then seems to be back, although a little less forceful this time around. But still, a lost is a lost. Even if it comes from an impending one.

To be stubborn and to venture on, will be the ultimate selfish act, and the most irresponsible. It will mark who I want to be for the rest of my life. A woman who runs away at the sight of a problem. What kind of wife and mother will I be then? What kind of values will I instill in my future child? Before I can nurture someone, I will have to first nurture myself.

No longer the youth I once was, or even an young adult (shamelessly trying to hold on to that title will just be an immature act), I have to take into consideration the people around me. Only those who matters of course. Not every Tom, Dick or Harry, or May, Jean or Mary.

I fear the final realisation, and of the time when I have to admit that it has been a mistake which I have been chasing for so long. Maybe it isn't, maybe it is. I don't know. All I know is that I'm feeling lost, and feeling really vulnerable because of that. The wind has shifted and the tide has changed. Time for a new course. Being the captain of one's own vessel is indeed never easy. I can simply choose to indulge in the easy option of conforming to the norm, and leading a comfortable and acceptable life. But that will never rest well with myself. Deep inside, I need more than that to nourish my soul and being. Material is only as realistic and material as it can get, and I will not base that as the bottomline of my existence. It took a great turn in life for me to realise that, and I am never allowing myself to go back to that unhappy path again.

The most important goal now is to sort out those entanglements in me, and to seek a definite direction soon.

As much as that is my goal for now, one question lingers however.

Will opportunity knock twice?

I know not of, and I can think not of.

Dating Your Superior At Work 101

2009-11-05T20:43:00.003+08:00

Rule Number 1 - Never let people have the basis to think that you're having it easy just because you're dating the superior.

NEVER.

Sure as hell isn't easy to draw the line at being civil towards each other, when all you want to do is to give him a hug so tight, you will squeeze the life out of him.

Damn it.

Back to Nature

2009-11-02T15:18:00.001+08:00

Need to get back to being holistic again.

Sleep, fruits, vegetables, yoga, pilates, swimming, meditation, and writing.

Pretty unhappy with the nonsense that I'm turning into. Need more daylight.

*grumpy*

Officially first.

2009-10-30T14:24:00.003+08:00

The best photo of the night. Thanks babe!

I love the look of happiness on both our faces. I love that little bit of candidness of the photo. I love our body language. Most importantly, I love him.

Now I just have to find a way to get this into my mobile. Can't use the bluetooth device as I can't find the installation CD!

My place is a mess!

=[

Time.

2009-10-22T17:19:00.000+08:00

Time to do what I want to do, instead of what others want me to do.

Time is now a luxury I have.

For self, for family, for partner, for friends, for love.

For all that matters.

For Elise.

T-Boy

2009-10-21T16:46:00.003+08:00

"From far when I look at you sweep the floor, I can't help but to have the thought that you'll be a good housewife in future. Because it's just sweeping the floor and you're so meticulous."

"Erm... I take that as a compliment?"

C-17-H-17-Cl-N-6-O-3

2009-10-20T17:45:00.001+08:00

Now that I know what it does when in overdose, and when combined with alcohol.

Should have never googled it.

Kent Ridge Wing 2 - Neuroscience Clinic

2009-10-19T06:48:00.000+08:00

The psychiatrist with a beard, that makes him looks like a terrorist. Kind of intriguing, in fact. Those simple questions asked, which crumpled the defenses built. Fortunately the defenses have a strong foundation, so I held up pretty well. Could have been worse, but thankfully I've been through it before, which makes things easier, just by a little each time.

And because he was there. I'm not going to let him witness my breakdown.

"Did you have suicidal thoughts recently?"

I lied. I did. Briefly.

It was a lot of things, but mostly haunting past. That ache in your heart that takes away all, but the most minimal of your breath. Makes you want to stop breathing all together.

It is so much easier when there are only you. But now it's not. It is so much more complicated. Makes it a good and bad thing. Good that it's keeping me alive. Bad that it's stopping me from decisions I want to make.

I can't find it in myself to be selfish. It will hurt many people. Much more than I think or know.

Too much honesty leads to too much judgment. Something I don't need right now. Especially not from him. So indeed, there is a limit to my honesty.

"Don't pack up and go."

I really wish I can. Perhaps my life will be endless episodes of pack-and-go. Fight-or-flight will be constantly activated. I don't know. I really don't.

Need to keep myself busy from now on. Too much free time is bad for my mind. That freaking voice I can't get out of my head. That one that screams RUN.

I know I need to stay grounded. That is my cure.

Silence, Elise.

All is good.

Do not eat where you shit.

2009-10-15T13:31:00.002+08:00

The truth that rings with this statement is so intense that it's driving me deaf. Wise words are wise words, although they sometimes don't sound very graceful. But that's the brutal truth!

Honesty in bright day light, so to speak. There will certainly be doubts and some fumbling along the way, but somehow I feel that this will go right. The last time I felt this way was 6 years ago. How ironic that the timing is almost coincidental.

There are many things to be thought through, and there are many decisions to be made. Will what one gives up be one's regret in future? Nobody knows for sure. The future is too misty and far off. We have to treasure and hold on to the present.

What do I want?

I want you to be able to trust me on my words. I want you to know and be confident in the fact that I made the decision to stand by you. And when the time comes that I promise my commitment, please trust me fully on it. Don't doubt me. Trust is a really precious gift in my eyes.

Let there be trust and respect.

What do I want?

I want to continue earning my own keep. I want to relieve my dad of his load. I want to be part of the family, to contribute to it. If, at the end of the day, that piece of paper is what I really want, I want to earn it on my own. It's a decision on my part to choose this particular path, when there are other easier ones available. So therefore, I have to be responsible for my own wants and desires.

What do I want?

I want a life of my own. I want to paint my canvas the way I deem fit. I want to steer and hoist my vessel in the direction I see fit. I want to live for myself and for those whom I care. I want to put my heart and soul into every single things I do, and be proud of it. As long as I'm able to answer to myself, that is all that matters.

So who is Elise? Who will she be?

I don't know.

I only know that she's crazy.

And damn proud of it.

Self-Destruction

2009-10-13T01:24:00.001+08:00

Been losing sleep and appetite. Broken my previous record of staying awake, with the current statistic being 39 hours.

Even valium prescribed by the doctor doesn't work. Only alcohol does. Therefore I'm back to drinking again, to the point that even Terence asked if I've been drinking. He said that the signs are there. I don't know what the signs are, and I don't care. I just want to feel tired and be able to fall asleep. I just want to be so tired that I can't think. I like that.

2 bottles within an hour and I'm way too tired now. Will definitely knock out within 5 minutes of hitting the sheets.

Thank you so much for your company tonight, though I graced our reunion with my personal tears.

And right now, I really wish Remo's by my side. But my thoughts are with Bamboo.

CS asked why did I even bother about those matters so deeply, when I'm not even into it for the long run. Even CW asked the same thing. But I've already identify myself with the place. I've grown too deeply in it.

I think I'm on the path to self-destruction, and I doubt anyone will be there to catch me when I do. Maybe I'll finally be able to strike off one matter from my Weirdo Wish List afterall.

Nobody's gonna know, because nobody knows I'm writing again.

To free-falling.

To my destruction.

To everything.

Thank you, with Love.

2009-10-10T01:52:00.001+08:00

Thank you to those who has so patiently endured my unreasonable flare ups, and for taking the beating and anger directed at them, which they don't deserve.

Thank you for always being there, entertaining and enduring my nonsense, and lending an ear or shoulder when I needed one.

You have been a tremendously awesome friend. Be it once before, or ever on.

To Dex.

To CS.

To Jerome.

To Sharon.

To Remo.

Thank you so much, and with lots of love. Truly from the bottom of my heart.

Tonight has been wonderful, meeting up with my precious darling Cheryl. The reminiscent of the past has been funny and insightful, while the hypothetical questioning of the future has been thought provoking. Where will we be in a couple of years down the road, and what will we be doing, is an interesting blank slate. Will we be settled or still wandering, we can't predict. But the past and the present have been excellent and blissful.

Looking forward to our next outing, where we will be having a game of pool! Doing things we haven't done in ages. Thank you for being such a sport.

Time spent might be minimal, but the happiness is bountiful.

I have a feeling that I'll be able to sleep well tonight. Something I've been wishing for for the past week.

Till death parts us all.

2009-10-05T07:51:00.003+08:00

When someone closest to you departs the living, several truth hits you. The realisation that they will never be there again, that you will never get the chance to speak to them again. The realisation that someone is gone, bringing along everything that links you to them, except for the memories left, which might not be much, as we often don't treasure what we've got till it's gone.

Death can be a blessing for those who have lived their dues, or those suffering from an illness. In such instances, death is a form of release for them and us. But when death lay claim over someone in their youth, it seems such a cruel twist. The immense possibilities become impossible in just a snap of the finger. It brings about the fact that you might be the one due for claim, and perhaps you have never really truly live your life the way you want to.

Till death parts us all; from the young and promising, to the aged and wise.

Till death parts us all.

So to all my loves, are you living your life to the fullest? Have you left any rooms for regrets?

Promise me, never to tear when the day comes for death to grace me. For I have lived and loved. And will be.

Till death parts us all.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

- Omar Khayyám

What a week!

2009-09-21T00:42:00.021+08:00

Monday (14/09)

Down with flu and sore throat. 1-day MC.

In bed all day.

Tuesday (15/09)

Went to work but headed home after 2 hours. Cough developed.

In bed all day.

Wednesday (16/09)

Took leave for my birthday, but was still sick. Took a turn for the worst, with a fever developing. Headed to another doctor.

In bed all day.

Thursday (17/09)

Given stronger medication and 2-days MC.

In bed all day.

Friday (18/09)

Still on MC.

In bed all day.

That marks the most fabulous birthday week of mine.

Thank you very much.

Darn it.

Change

2009-09-07T00:50:00.002+08:00

We don't like it, we fear it.
But we can't stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.

It hurts to grow.
Anybody who tells you it doesn't, is lying.

But here's the truth.
Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, sometimes change is good.

And sometimes, change is everything.

- Grey's Anatomy

Let Go and Move On

2009-08-23T16:59:00.006+08:00

If you've reached for her but never got her, you've never had her in the first place, and she doesn't owe you anything.

If you have her but she wants to leave, holding on to her will only tear away what's left between you.

If you've never had her or she's left you, it was never meant to be. She's move on and so should you.

If you are lucky enough to come back to it, perhaps.

Until then, let go my friend, and move on.

All credit goes to Marcus Ooi (Mooiness).

Marriage

2009-06-07T22:40:00.000+08:00

I believe that I do not need marriage to prove my love, ability and sincerity to carry through my decision to commit to someone.

Marriage is a legal ceremony to protect the parties involved, but unless a child comes into the picture, marriage is not necessarily the path I'll walk down. But it doesn't mean that I will not get married. I just don't find it necessary.

If I need an insurance to back my decision to spend the rest of my life with someone, then perhaps I'm better off not doing so. If I need an incentive to honour my words, then perhaps I'm better off not saying them.

It's a commitment. It's a decision saying "Yes, I'll walk through thick and thin, ups and downs, for better or worst, with you." It's the sharing of a common goal between two individuals, learning and accepting their differences, and sincerely wanting to make it through together. It's a balance of giving and taking. It's the complements of strengths and weaknesses. It is something which goes beyond the emotions.

When the honeymoon period is over, when the feeling of love is gone, when the daily routines get dull, when the sex is no longer sizzling, when the beautiful becomes the ugly, when what attracts becomes repulsive, will you still hold on to your partner's hand? Or will you pack up and leave, since society has made parting a relatively breezy proceeding?

Going beyond the fluttering of the heart, the hyperventilation, the butterflies in the stomach, and the nervous speechlessness, what do you make of the moments when your partner has to leave in the midst of a dinner date due to urgent crop ups? How about when your partner forgets the anniversaries? Or when your partner ceases to notice the change in hairstyle or that new dress?

Will you take on the problems with your partner, determined for resolve, or will you turn to someone else who understands you better? How about when you no longer feel the excitement of the chase? Will you make the effort to invent new ways to spice things up, or will you just indulge in a new chase from someone else?

As I always say, "It's the perspective."

And right now at this moment, this is my perspective. Will it change as I grow older? Perhaps. But as usual, "It's the perspective." Why wonder about what's to come when it's the present we should cherish and focus on. Life is too short to wonder about the "what ifs" and "if only".

The once sacred marriage is now reduced to a flimsy ceremony with a fluid nature. So do I really need it to make a commitment?

I don't need it, I just want it. And do I really need what I want?

Not necessarily.

Double Identity

2009-05-30T23:55:00.001+08:00

Starting next month, I'll be a Research Analyst by weekdays, and Guest Relations Officer by weekends.

Goodbye social life!

Cycle of Life

2009-05-15T20:02:00.003+08:00

Gunther von Hagens's latest exhibition in Berlin, Cycle of Life, has sparked several controversies due to the elements of copulation and reproduction present. People remarked that it's disrespectful for the bodies, but I find that there is nothing wrong or disrespectful with that. Death and sex shouldn't be controversial taboos in this age of time. They are a part of life, and part of creation. And in the name of Science and Education, I really don't see why there should be so much talks about it.

If I can, I will definitely go for the exhibition!

Served.

2009-04-27T22:01:00.011+08:00

All the technical jargons for the new job is driving me insane. I'm definitely a tech-idiot!

Somebody help me!

Beyond the fantasy.

2009-04-23T03:29:00.016+08:00

That reality I let slip, carelessly tossed to the wind without caution.

That delirious freedom, with its coppery after-taste on the tip of the tongue.

That emotional bath, which cleanses and heals the soul within.

That accidental embrace, unleashing a dormant desire within.

Of all the slipping and sliding, of all those who stood by watching.

Of all those who held out in vain, of all those who jumped right in.

Of all those who loved so fiercely, of all those who's hurting so deeply.

Of all those who lost their minds, of all those who gained clarity.

That delicious slip, a slash of the soul.

That devils' trade, the exchange of souls.

That forbidden fruit, of exotic taste.

That evil eye, it bores right through you.

Let go, my child.

Let the freedom embrace.

Seek no truth from it.

Tell no lies to it.

Listen.

Watch.

Touch.

Inhale.

Awaken those senses, ever so still.

Prick the index, let the crimson flow.

Core of life, clown of heart.

Purple diamond, emerald crystal.

One day she's here, the next she's gone.

Those bright eyes so deep, the window of souls.

Those rubies so tender, leaves strawberry kisses.

Those traces so gentle, of downs and feathers.

Devil or angel?

No one knows for sure.

Fresh & French!

2009-03-23T22:19:00.001+08:00

Had brunch with Sharon at Fre(n)sh, located at Vivo. Selected the alfresco section, enjoying the fabulous breeze and calming sound of water. A great way to spend a lazy afternoon!

Love the quaint table. Really colourful and quirky, just the way I like it.

The first time ever that I tasted a mushroom soup in its most authentic flavour. Forget the Campbell version. It's the real stuff here, with mushroom bits in it! Totally in love with it!

First time having escargot, and my comment was... "It tastes like mud."

Of which, Sharon gave me a "can't-be-bothered" look.

Next up comes the foie gras tartine. My first taste of it as well.

"It taste like duck."

Of which she said "And where does foie gras comes from?"

Cues "can't-be-bothered" look.

Then comes the highlight of the meal! I absolutely love fresh salad, and this one has a cheese which is slightly strong in flavour, with a really nice texture to it. Subsequently found out that it's emmental cheese! My new love!

Fresh lettuce, cherry tomatoes, field mushrooms, ham cubes, emmental cheese, and a light dressing. Give it to me everyday!

*drools*

Last but not least, a great creme brulee to finish the palate. Something sweet and smooth against the tongue.

Lovely brunch it was!

Will love to head back some time again.

The Best Friend

2009-03-16T03:53:00.002+08:00

Never expected to receive an email from you, thus the initial thought of it being a lame chain mail. It's been so long. A year? Slightly more.

The several attempts at trying to meet up with you after coming home, only to be rejected. Until one day you told a lie to a common friend. That marks the end of whatever we had. I thought you didn't want me any more. It hurts to lose someone so close. It was tough.

This little surprise which came a little too late, as you call it. Is it? I'm still here. I haven't left. I'm always here.

The heart felt a dull tug and the muffled emotions arise. They dug at the mist which was laid to ensure closure. There's a dull scream inside. Something trying hard to break its way out. I think I can't breathe. It's difficult. It's hurting. I think the tears are welling up, but something is holding them back. That incessant dull tug. I want to hurt myself. This isn't real. You didn't come back. Not after so long.

How ever could you let me go and come back now? What am I to you? What ever was that that we ever had? Was it so transient as for you to give them up? I always thought you didn't want me any more. And now you're telling me you thought about me always? What is this? It fucking hurts. I don't want to breathe.

How could you lie and leave me hanging, coming back when the wound is healed? Perhaps it never did heal. That fucking gap in the flesh. That torrent of blood seeping out every day. The emotions and the hurt. Everything we ever had.

I feel so sick I'm going to puke. How could you? The tears won't flow and the dull hurting won't go away. How am I supposed to deal with this? I don't want to breathe!

What's with people walking out of my life? If you want to walk out and take away a part of me with you, then don't ever fucking come back. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?

The tears are finally flowing. Are you happy?

Will we ever go back to what we once were?

I don't want to know. I don't want you back. It hurts too much. That dull tug inside.

Stabbing myself might even hurt less.

But I can't bring myself to hate you. You once were.

For everything you once were...

I thought you didn't want me any more.

Now how do I change that?

Open Letter

2009-03-10T02:24:00.003+08:00

Dear friend,

I'm not as brave as you think I am. Mostly, I just pretend to be, barging head on, dealing with the consequences only when they come. Other than that, I'm just plain crazy and open to the idea of trying everything and anything, as much as I can. Call that brave? I don't think so. It's just trying to live life like never before. And hey, asking yourself "What will you choose if you know you're going to die in a month" works pretty well thus far for me. Give it a try?

One thing we're born to do is to learn. It never ends. Thus far, we've learnt to sit up, stand, walk, jump, run, swim, cycle, talk, sing, scream, draw, feed ourselves, dress ourselves, and many many more. We go on to learn how to skate, snorkel, canoe, drive, shoot and many many more. Learning to be independent and being self-sufficient will come in one day, only if you let them. It has nothing to do with whether or not you're brave. It has to do with whether you're willing to accept them into your life. Give them a try?

Seek, and you shall find.
Ask, and you shall receive.

Give them a try my dear friend.

After all, we fell countless of times while trying to walk. So what's the difference with a few more now? Do we give up taking a chance just because we're more conscious of the fall now? Will you live with that? If your answer is yes, then perhaps a three-year old is better off than you, and yes, braver than you too.

Sometimes it's about letting go and taking chances. Sometimes it's about pretending to be brave. Sometimes it's about being thoughtless and careless, throwing oneself into the fire and living it out. Sometimes it's about being curious and spontaneous. Sometimes it's about playing safe. Sometimes it's about practicality. Sometimes it's about everything. Sometimes it's about nothing. Sometimes it just is.

It's not about being brave, because I'm definitely not brave. It's just that crazy and pretence work for me.

You'll find something which works for you. You will.

Otherwise, I'll share my crazy and pretence with you. I promise.

You can do it my dear friend. You're more than you give yourself credit for.

I love you.

Xoxo,
Elise

First.

2009-02-27T02:18:00.001+08:00

Never thought she'll encounter someone whom she can view more as a life partner than romantic relation. Someone whom she can envision working together with, hand in hand, to solve whatever problems and issues there might be. Someone whom she's willing to work out the differences with. Someone whom she didn't dismiss immediately and eventually, using the excuse of "You're just not what I'm looking for."

Never thought there will be a day when there's a person whom she can see a future with, building up something together. Someone who makes her feel settled and unafraid to give up flight. Someone who gives her enough courage to face the fear of giving a part of her. A commitment. A promise.

Someone she wants to have a life with.

Never thought that day will come. Never thought it'll happen with her. Well, there's a lot she never know is coming.

Just as dawn arises and dusk sets, life is a mere cycle. Repetitive? That is if you choose for it to be so. There's many routes and choices out there. You just have to take a leap of faith and embrace whatever hurting that might come with it. No pain, no gain. Very true.

Let go of control. Go with the flow. Crash and burn. Pick yourself up. Become a better individual. Life goes on despite all that.

Never though it'll ever be, but there's always a first.

This is a first. Her first.

Sad Sad Valentine

2009-02-15T13:38:00.082+08:00

Received a basket of flowers early in the morning. Something that doesn't delight me very much. I hate receiving flowers. The only thing that comes to mind upon receiving flowers, is the fate of its imminent death.

Sigh.

Had dinner with Dex at Cosmo. A place I've grown to like, with clean white alfresco setting, and an awesome spot for people watching when the weather is great.

I love Mimosa!

Headed over to Double O after, where the night turned into a teary one. Missing Momo and feeling the hurt of the lost, ended up crying along the riverside with Benjamin being my pillar of support. Thank you Old Man Chan.

Not too far from us, a girl was crying her heart out as well. I can relate to her tears. Only a broken heart can cause tears to flow on a night as sweet as Valentine's. Thankfully for wonderful blessing in the form of friends, both the girl and I were not alone.

Went to the nearest convenient store to grab a packet of tissue, then headed back to the spot to give it to the girl. I hope she's feeling much better today. Nobody should shed tears of sorrow on Valentine's.

Nobody.

The heart will heal some day. And till then, let's walk on with our head held high.

Deviation

2009-02-13T18:31:00.001+08:00

Nature. I need the splendid touch of it. The garden and the lake. The luxury of lying on the grass with abandon. I miss Mill Point.

Life moves on. What's past is dust, what's to come is vague. Lies upon lies build a massive and impressive empire, but just as easily built, just as easily destroyed. Is there really any worth in holding such fort?

People come and go. They might be in for a season or a lifetime. For those who are just transitory passerby, be glad that our paths crossed. For those who are in it for the long haul, appreciation cannot be fleet. Use your heart always, when it comes to people. Human relationship should never be about profit or loss. Never the corporate structure.

Many forms of poison to numb the mind. Choose none of them. Learn to fight, for it makes you stronger. Evolution is vital. Survival of the fittest. Darwin.

Homo sapiens, I am one.

Elise, I shall become.

Back to basic my dear.

Back to basic.

Ravaged

2009-02-10T23:38:00.005+08:00

From too much alcohol and late nights.

Time to detox.

Disgrace to Manhood

2009-02-05T05:31:00.001+08:00

I was minding my business and making my way to the restroom when this guy grabbed my arm.

"What's your name?"

"Emma."

"Can I be your friend?"

"What for? And who are you anyway?"

"I'm with a bunch of friends over there. I've spotted you for a while."

"I don't want to be friends, and I need the restroom."

"Give me your number."

All the while, not letting go of my arm until my girls came rushing towards us, breaking the contact. Bless me.

After we returned to the table, he came over and demanded why was I so rude to him and wanted to continue whatever conversation he think is still left hanging. My girls cornered him and dealt with him. I couldn't be bothered.

In a nutshell, that faggot of a man demanded that we take things out as my girls knocked into him while rushing over to me outside the restroom. He insisted that he didn't approach me, and instead, I was the one who seduced him. In his very own words, he called us sluts.

Never have I been so angry with a man, and never have I tried so hard to control my urge to pick up the glass and shove it at him. I was clenching my teeth, with my hands balled into fists. What nerve he has to speak trash about us.

He wanted to apologise, trying to use the lame excuse of being drunk.

"Don't you fucking talk trash about me and then apologise, citing that you're drunk."

"When did I talk trash about you?"

The girls pulled him away. One of the guys wanted to get physical.

If he isn't the poster child of disgrace to manhood, then I don't know what is. Don't turn the table around when a woman rejects you, calling her a slut. You're a motherfucking piece of trash and the biggest faggot of a man. You should just castrate yourself. Asshole.

I'm so angry my eyeballs are hurting.

It is because of man like this which makes me hate men. It's either wimps or ass-wipes. Fucking ridiculous.

This past week has been filled with dramas, and I've been losing sleep.

Idiots.

Coffee Club

2009-02-02T21:24:00.005+08:00

Chilling time with CS at Coffee Club at Clark Quay. Easy night out with great company and fabulous food. Everything is great when you have your best friend!

Recently I've been going crazy over Iced English Breakfast Tea, and nothing goes better with it than a little biscuit!

And I love spicy pasta! PASTA!!!

*slurp*

And my model of the night!

Presenting... Coffee Club's Beef Lasagne!

Best Friends Forever!

And of course, myself.

Lost.

2009-01-29T21:21:00.000+08:00

Being the kind of man he is, he chooses to respect the boundaries she set, and I lost him.

Gone. Forever.

Invalid

2009-01-27T03:42:00.002+08:00

"I love you" can never be vocalised, only shown in the subtlest ways. Every little moment is cherished because it's given without obligation, being in the most natural element. You want and yearn, but can never lay claim. The greatest content is that he's happy, even if it means being with someone other than you. It hurts not to be reciprocated, but being unselfish is the best form of love you can give. You don't want to know anything about the other party, but can't help wondering who she is. Jealousy shrouds, but it calms the heart and mind to know that at least she makes him happy, and that's what really counts at the end for you.

You can't touch, can't feel, and can't tell. You can't give too much of yourself away in case the truth got out. You can't give what you'll like to give because it's not right. He belongs to someone else, that's what the society tells you. You hate that internal struggle between right and wrong. And just what is right and what is wrong?

It's tough loving an invalid. It's a flame burning passionately which you don't want to put out. The fervour keeps you going and the desire glows intensely. A raw animalistic element which makes you want to take off that coat of defence and morality to embrace and consummate the desire, throwing all caution to the wind and exposing all vulnerabilities.

The forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.

I want him but I can't have him.

An invalid in more than one way, but I love him still.

Sibling love.

2009-01-20T22:59:00.036+08:00

Day out in the sun with Dex.

Awesome summer love, in the equatorial climate.

Much bliss.

Red heart sibling love.

Silence

2009-01-14T19:02:00.002+08:00

She wished for love, to immerse herself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. Her wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give her tragedy. Because she wouldn't give it back for the world.

I have her heart. A heart lost, and long afraid to feel.

Will it ever wake?

The tide that left and never came back.

2009-01-10T08:46:00.001+08:00

Brooke: There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.

Nathan: Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

Haley: This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I lost even more.

Lucas: As we strain to grasp the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better: money, popularity, fame. We ignore what truly matters, the simple things, like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had.

Peyton: Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for.

Lucas: And Hansel said to Gretal: "Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way.

Nathan: And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey, is a fate more cruel.

Peyton: Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all.

Brooke: And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely.

McFadden: Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

How about this?

2009-01-06T01:19:00.003+08:00

Are you reassured enough to not let your ego get the better of you?

Some things might not be meant to be, but because your ego reins so tightly over you that it's difficult to say "No it isn't meant to be, I should walk away." It's also a matter of pride that you have trouble letting go, often times clinging on so tightly that your knuckles turn white.

Do you at times have doubts over whether the present situation is really what you want? Do you doubt your decision and wonder if it's the right thing to do? Yet because you've come so far, it seems silly or even stupid to let it go. As they all say, "You've come so far. Why let all your effort go to waste?"

And do you at times want to give everything away, turning instead to the simplicity that is calling out to you? How do you deal with that conflicting tug of war? To get on with things and move on while constantly wondering about the other direction, or taking a chance and walking down the other path? How do you decide what's the best choice for you? How do you shut the others out?

Are you reassured enough to make the right choice, and not let your ego get in the way of the heart? Do you have the ability to know when is the time to let go, and to make that choice to trod the other way?

It will never be easy, isn't it? The many questions and doubts that surface every second.

P.S.

2009-01-02T10:15:00.005+08:00

Remember this?

I didn't keep any of them.

Although a couple were going pretty well until the occasional urge cuts in, but the upside is, my sugar and salt intake levels are never major concerns all along.

It's pretty easy for me to eat well (since I have a crappy digestive system which when I eat with abundance, I'll be getting more than acquainted with the potty), if only I can get my butt off the couch to exercise more.

So what is in it for this year?

I reckon that trying to live life the way it ought to be live, by making the effort to savour the present while enjoying every moment, is a pretty kick ass load on its own. So screw trying to get enough sleep.

=)

Bonjour 2009.

2009-01-01T22:02:00.004+08:00

Not a very smooth start into the New Year, but why should I let such mandatory superstition get in my way? You have to be kidding me.

I am who I think I am.

You are who you think you are.

So translate those thoughts into actions, and make 2009 a blast! Be a YES person!

Yeah yeah, blame it on the movie. Darn motivating.

*laughs*

We will all have a fabulous and fruitful year.

All of us.

So enjoy the ride people.

Je t'aime.

Au revoir 2008.

2008-12-31T23:54:00.002+08:00

Finally.

What a way to end 2008.

Crazy roller coaster ride.

*phew*

Arrivederci.

2008-12-18T07:01:00.004+08:00

Thanks for everything.

Have a safe journey home, and all the best for the future.

I'll miss you.

Fortnight.

2008-12-15T10:56:00.004+08:00

What seems to be a long way coming, is actually not as tedious or tough, now that I look back upon it.

Upon the decision to be as hands-on as possible this time around, I've learnt a lot from the planning and execution of tasks. As the list is being completed, the nearer I am to the end, the more exhausted I become. Mentally.

With Phase One being done and over with, there was little time for breather as Phase Two commences simultaneously. Life is a bitch. Or is it?

Nevertheless, I'm glad that I made the choice to process the application by myself, instead of handing it over to an agency. Having done everything, it isn't as difficult or inconvenient as everyone thought out to be. It's just a matter of finding out the right information, dealing with the multiple arrangements, and doing everything step by step. Even the payments aren't that mind-bending at all.

Mantoux test, trips to the bank, getting the previous school to provide a letter of certification, corresponding with the intended institution, Visa application and interview, various payments.

All you need are time and the ability to ask. And in my case, friends with credit cards as well. Speaking of which, I seriously ought to consider getting one. Everything is processed online and cashless nowadays!

Regardless, I've gotten some new toys in preparation for the journey ahead. A really good way to appease that guilty conscience of spending too much unnecessary dollars, is to tell myself that it's my reward for all the things I've done, and for the adventure I'm about to embark on.

Works like a charm.

A fortnight to go, and Elise is gone.

It's a love-hate relationship really.

Scorched.

2008-12-13T16:51:00.002+08:00

Toasted. At the beach with Ashley again.

Had mee soto after so long, somehow the taste from the past still clouds the mind. Can the present never win? The mysterious works of the mind.

There has never been any memory of sunburnt experience, therefore the body doesn't recognise the symptoms. Intense itching. Simply assumed an allergy to Andrew, until he noticed the redness and enlightened me with the possibility of being burnt. Damn it.

Showering doesn't help, neither does moisturising lotion. At least the skin is calmed a little.

Cool breeze by the pool is a great gift from Mother Nature. Thank the Earth!

South African red wine, weird tasting home-cooked pasta, New York cheesecake, apple crumble, American Dad.

Not the most logical blend, but the simplest night.

C'est la vie.

Note to self - remember the sides when tanning.

New Site?

2008-12-11T08:26:00.002+08:00

Contemplating a change of blog site. In fact, am currently tweaking at a new joint.

If all fits well, will be crossing over in 2009.

Me and my anal desire to start afresh every new calendar. What's more, starting a new year in a new environment, embarking on a new journey, it's almost like a not-so-subtle way of divinity calling out to me for a new blog site. No? I don't know. I'm one confused entity.

As for now, the familiar ground stays.

The Aussie Way

2008-12-09T05:01:00.000+08:00

Walking barefooted on the streets.

At 3AM, I chanced upon something which made me realise that I have to go. Dressed up, walked out, left. Heels in my hand, jeans folded up, tears flowing.

Sometimes my life is like a scene right out of a movie. Unnecessary drama.

Unspoken. With dignity intact.

Should I hate? But I'm too tired to do so.

What doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger.

Merci beaucoup.

Sainte-Anne, 1936

2008-12-08T04:59:00.003+08:00

Bien que mon amour soit fou, ma raison calme les trop vives douleurs de mon coeur en lui disant de patienter, et d'espérer toujours.

Though my love is insane, reason calms the pain in my heart, telling me to be patient and keep hoping.

Close to me.

2008-12-07T02:01:00.003+08:00

Love thrives on a certain kind of distance, that it requires an awed separateness to continue. Without that necessary remove, the physical minutiae of the other person grows ugly in its magnification.

Virgin Podcast

2008-12-05T02:30:00.021+08:00

Click here!

Enjoy ~ !

=D

P.S. Click "Play" and if a pop-up window doesn't come out, click "Download".

Elise's Quote.

2008-12-03T04:07:00.001+08:00

"Loving someone is knowing when to let go, and having the grace to wish him every happiness in the world.

I love you."

Him.

2008-11-30T03:55:00.013+08:00

The way he always turns to look at me before going to bed, lying side by side facing each other. Most times not speaking a single word, just looking at me intently in the dark, until I break the moment due to my own awkwardness.

The way he lets me sleep in even though he has to go to work, all because I look really peaceful in my sleep, and he doesn’t want to break that serenity. All the times when he’ll ask if I slept well, then going on to tell me if he had a good night.

The way he brushes my hair off my face that afternoon, while having lunch at The Cathay. It is also the same day when he mentions that I look really peaceful in my sleep, tells me about his flight back to Canada, and says that he asked if his lady friend is interested in being his girlfriend. Quoting him, “Technically, I have a girlfriend.”

We parted ways the way we always do, as if it’s any other day. But that might just be the last time I’ll ever see him. I wanted to snap a picture of him during lunch because I wish to have a picture which is exclusively mine, as a keepsake, but I didn’t.

It will always be a sweet secret of mine, those pictures I drew of him from memory. The image of his sleeping face, the way he lays face down on the bed with the sheets up to his waist. The scent of his apartment, the scent of him.

That particular morning, he looks exceptionally young. The way he paces around the space between the common room and kitchen, as he always does when he's on the phone, and the way he puts a hand on his hip and twirls his hair with the other. The way he likes to cover himself up to his neck under the covers.

His secret peck on my cheek on the eve of his birthday, when I took him out to dinner at Al Forno Trattoria. That was when I know that he likes buffalo cheese, and had the first taste of it.

His favourite Italian restaurant, Ricciotti, at Riverwalk. His favourite Ricciotti salad, with the bitter tasting rucola, crispy bacon, tasty grilled bell pepper, excellent smoked scarmoza cheese and extra virgin olive oil. And of course, his favourite San Pellegrino sparkling water. Recently he has a craze for Pepper Lunch. I wonder what’s next.

He stocks more drinks in his fridge than food. Marigold Apple, Marigold Orange, Marigold Apple Cranberry, Voda Voda, Green Tea, and Coca Cola.

The way he snuggles me, and the way he feels around my arm when I do the snuggling. The way he’ll stay still when I climb to his side of the bed and act as the man, cuddling him from behind and asking him things which he usually asks me. He doesn’t like it but I made him do it, saying that role reversal is good and that he should give up control once in a while.

The way he’s learnt to mimic me, and saying “Ohhh, I’m not going to say anything about that.” when I demand that I do not have a squeaky voice.

The way he plays with my ring at Loof, while I was on the phone. The way he runs his hand up and down my back at Crazy Elephant, when we went to meet his friends. The way he lets me rest my chin on his shoulder at the bar along Duxton Road. The night at Alley Bar when he lets me put lip balm on his lips, and wears my red wooden square beads necklace, just because I’m intoxicated and pouts a lot.

The way he holds me in his arm and cradles me on his crossed legs when I cried. The way he hugs me on top of him and let my tears soak his pillow.

The way he includes smiley " :) " at the end of his sentences in text messages. The way he says "hey" in a breathy soft tone when he picks up the phone. The way he puts on his t-shirts, dress shirts, trousers, cuff links, socks and shoes. The way he applies deodorant and perfume. The way he uses Q-tips for his ears after showers.

The way he frowns while he tries to formulate trades and draws invisible sequences in the air. The way he parades in his new purchases, and when he's trying to decide what to wear. The way his eyes sometimes looks green or brown. The way he stands behind me while we're both facing the mirror, telling me that I'm beautiful. The way he helps adjusts the leg straps of my Halloween costumes because I couldn't see them.

The way he always places a bottle of water on the dressing table for me. The way he places a towel on the washing machine for me. His blue shirt which I always wear. The way he arranges the sheets on his bed.

The way he's amused by the different nicknames I call him by. The nickname he gave me; pipsqueak, and the league which he places me in. The way he says "Don't mess with me."

The way he says "What am I going to do when Elise leaves?" The way he says my name.

The way that he just is.

Marriage

2008-11-20T04:01:00.000+08:00

How will you choose your Mr Right?

You will make the most of being able to shop around for Mr Right. You love your freedom and will have a lot of fun learning about what sort of man you like. When you do find the guy for you, nobody will be able to keep you away from the church.

Who will be your future Mr Right?

Your future hubby will be lovely and sweet, but a little immature - possibly even a spoilt brat! This guy will trigger your maternal instinct. You'll always be willing to watch his back and clean up his mess. He might be the same age as you are or even younger.

When will you get married?

As soon as you fall in love, you'll want to grab your man and hang on to him. You will probably marry very young, so it would be wise of you to think carefully before committing.

What sort of wife will you be?

If your hubby is crazy enough to ask you to do silly things, you may as well have fun with him. You'll make a fun-loving wife.

Will you and your husband have a good time together?

You and your spouse will choose to spend time on more romantic activities. You won't end up quite as healthy, but you'll have plenty of fun going out for drinks, watching concerts or playing cards at home with other friends.

What will your children be like?

Your kids will be very naughty. They will often get into trouble but you will have a great time bringing these fun-loving kids up. They are lively and smart.

How loyal are you?

You get along very well with most guys. Sometimes your friendliness misleads others to think that you're a bit of a flirt, but actually you've got a loyal heart. You'll never have eyes for anyone except your beloved husband.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test70.aspx

F1 Visa

2008-11-18T19:28:00.002+08:00

Headed down to Hogs for lunch as I've got a couple of hours to kill before the designated time for visa collection. Dennis came out from the kitchen and said "Didn't know you're not working anymore. You didn't tell us about your last day huh? Be careful your food." To top it off, he has this really sinister smile on his face!

Food came out and looks and tastes all right. The Chef sat down and talked to me for a bit, then went into the kitchen to make a special mushroom sauce for me. "This is the real stuff. Only for my girl girl."

One fine day the Chef decided to call me "girl girl", and ever since then, the kitchenettes have been teasing me. Adding to that, the Chef goes around introducing me as his god-daughter! I'm really flattered! I'm going to miss Chef William.

After my meal, Dennis came out and said "Did you realise anything different?" and I was negative on that. Revelation: he gave me a bigger portion! Quoting him, "And you finish it all!" with a wide grin. No wonder I was feeling so damn satiated!

Carrie gave me a double dose when I ordered vodka sprite.

Aww...

I started missing Hogs after 4 days of idle life. I just have no idea what to do with my days!

Anyway...

I've been granted a 5 years visa, and I wonder if I'll stay for the whole duration. Oh well, too early to think about that for now.

I'm happy to have the legal part done.

=)

Good and Bad.

2008-11-15T03:04:00.003+08:00

Headed to the American Embassy at 7.30AM and walked out of the building at 12 noon. The procedure went like this: wait, document check, wait, payment, wait, fingerprinting, wait, interview.

Any wonder why they say we spend a great deal of our lives waiting?

Nevertheless, my F1 visa has been granted and I'll be collecting it on the 18th!

On another note, today I worked my last shift at Hogs. It was a sudden decision made in the midst of lunch shift, after a woman told me that she's been waiting for her dessert for 10 minutes when it hasn't even been 5 minutes. Guess what? The moment I turned away from her table, the dessert came.

I'm sick of customers lying through their big fat mouth that they've waited this long for their food to arrive. You have a serious case of time-misconception, and I STRONGLY urge that you consult a doctor. Don't go around exposing your illness to the world, especially to us servers. We don't fucking care! Get it?

Don't lie. It makes you a BIG FAT LIAR, and that is fucking unattractive. You might never get laid because of that. So for the sake of your prospective carnal pleasure, DON'T LIE.

I was scheduled for night shift as well, but I felt that it's really time to go. Besides, Friday is always busy and I might snap during work. Waited for Raymond to arrive and told him about it. He was setting up the sound system for the liveband and upon hearing the news, stopped and came to me.

"What happen? Did something happen during lunch?"

"No. You know how a person is able to sense that it's time to leave? I'm reaching my limit and I know that, therefore I want to leave before I snap."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, it's okay."

"You know, to be the best in this industry, you have to be a really good actor. It's all the same. Don't care about them. There is nothing to get upset over."

"I know. But I don't want to pretend anymore."

"Come here."

"I just want to leave. I've gotten Khai to replace my shift on Sunday, but I can't find anyone for tonight and tomorrow. I know that you're only short of 2 for tonight."

"Finish tonight. I don't give a damn about tomorrow night. I'll make do with it."

"We've experienced shortage of 7 before, so having a short of 3 will be fine. Besides, I didn't put my schedule on Saturday. You put it. So yes, you can deal with that."

"Finish tonight Elise. Be strong for me."

"But who's gonna be strong for me?"

"I will."

My tears were already welling halfway through the conversation, and upon hearing the last sentence, and with him putting his arm around me, my emotion broke loose.

I promised to be back for the night and give my best effort as a great finish. Headed to Raffles City for some nice papers and little clips. Wrote mini letters to the crew.

Didn't announce that it was my final night, therefore not many people know about it.

Almost like a silent departure. Don't wish to make a big deal out of it.

And so yes, I'm no longer working at Hogs. But it's been a great period. I'll definitely miss the crazy crew.

And now, it's time to catch up on the much needed rest, and to repay my sleep debt.

Your personality love style.

2008-11-13T03:46:00.000+08:00

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test80.aspx?q=b

This is just the beginning.

2008-11-10T20:19:00.003+08:00

An appointment has been fixed on Friday, for an interview with the American Embassy. Many documents to be prepared, for an application for a F1 Student visa. If everything goes as planned, I'll be spending New Year in a foreign land.

A couple of significant events in stall for December; Dad's birthday, a visitor from France over Christmas, followed by my departure soon after. Not to mention, I'm certain there'll be lots of meeting up with friends, and the much dreaded packing up. I'm anticipating a huge game of keep-or-toss!

It's going to be really tiring from now on, but it will be so worth it.

=)

To be, or not to be.

2008-11-08T15:44:00.002+08:00

The most difficult thing is the decision to act; the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.

- Amelia Earhart

One of those days?

2008-11-03T05:13:00.006+08:00

Making through a hectic 38 hours of...

- Shopping
- Work
- Halloween
- Tea ceremony
- House warming
- Wedding dinner

During which I've set a record for...

- Making purchases under 10 minutes flat, inclusive of browsing and trying.
- Having the most pictures taken within a 20 hours span.
- Walking and running around the most, in heels.
- Not sleeping for 38 hours, beating the previous by 2 hours.

Topping it off, the news of my acceptance in California, bringing about a storm of "Oh my gosh, what am I to do?!"

So how did I end this crazy race?

How else but by falling asleep while talking to someone!

*big sheepish grin*

For I am fickle.

2008-11-01T15:16:00.004+08:00

Mirror mirror on the wall, which school should I choose?

Sometimes, having more than one option is never the good thing.

Is LOVE enough?

2008-10-13T03:47:00.003+08:00

I have a man who's willing to leave behind everything he's accustomed to, to relocate to a foreign land where he knows no one.

I've never experienced an emotion of such magnitude (not even half of it), and I'm really overwhelmed.

So this is what it feels like to have someone loves you wholeheartedly?

It's such an intense emotion which incurs both sense of security and fear with it.

When something becomes too precious, the fear of losing it increases tenfold, and even more.

What will it take?

2008-10-06T02:49:00.001+08:00

Why won't guys leave me alone? I don't want to be friends, and I'm not interested in chatting either.

Leave me alone.

Colorgenics Profile

2008-10-05T04:03:00.003+08:00

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You are full of stress at this time. It would seem that you are having more than your fair share of trials and tribulations and you are looking for a way out. You are not quite sure which way to go but the advice is - 'Stop trying so hard'.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.

You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

Human nature

2008-10-04T03:13:00.006+08:00

I'm truly sick of being judged by people who don't know an atom about me. The facts which they cling on derive from their impressions and judgments of my cyber persona, which might not even be of any relation to me in real. Sometimes, the mere presence of a fleeting moment is sufficed for their enactment of Judgment Day.

Who gives them the right to make judgments when they don't know the least bit, to be in that position? Who gives them the power to put someone down based on their assumptions? Who gives them the authority to label another, just because it doesn't fit into their perceived cultural and habitual correctness?

Who are they to think themselves more superior or righteous than others?

Who are those people?

We wonder why the war doesn't end. We wonder why there's racial disharmony. We wonder why the world is screwed up.

Have we ever made a conscious effort to stop the blame game and look upon ourselves? Have we ever looked at ourselves in the mirror, properly? Have we ever made an honest reflection?

I'm never perfect, and I never will. Everyday I'm learning something new about myself; my faults and rights, my strengths and weaknesses. Yet, never did I ever make it a point to advocate my beliefs and values on others, because I know we relate and perceive differently. I never think of myself to be more superior or righteous than anyone.

No doubt, such thoughts appear once in a while, but I make it a point to tell myself that I am in no position to make such a call, because there will never be right or wrong to it. So the best I can do is to bask in the knowledge that I have my own sets of cultures, beliefs and values, and that it differs from everyone else. All I’m entitled to is the act of giving thanks in having found something that goes well with the way I want to live my life.

That is all there ever is to Life.

There are myriad of reasons to why you want to judge me, yet those reasons never really do matter.

As for me, the only reason why I still care about how people deem me is because I have yet to understand detachment. I’m still learning, but I know that the day of comprehension will arrive.

And when that day arrives, I’ll have to cease being your playmate. But I know you’ll have aplenty.

And when that day comes, this will be my parting gift to you.

Disgusted? YES. Surprised? NO.

2008-10-03T16:22:00.013+08:00

Aussie boy breaks into zoo, feeds animals to croc

Kids nowadays are getting more screwed in the head. Is it the parents, the media, or the society?

The inability of the parental to instill morals and values, and to assert certain control over the child? The portrayal of violence as something cool and desirable? The skewed evolution of morals and values in society, coupled with the increasing undermining of the worth of life?

We're all getting more screwed up with each passing day. Is your sanity still intact?

I know I'm trying my best to keep mine.

Who? Me?

2008-10-02T21:32:00.004+08:00

I'm attracted to older men (30ish - 40ish) and I always wish I have an older brother.

Does that means I have Daddy Issues?

Relapse

2008-09-28T06:45:00.002+08:00

I started hurting myself physically again a couple of days ago, over some remarks from the family. I knew I was losing it when the urges came flooding and I immediately talked to a friend. But the more I talked about it, the more it hurts, and the stronger the urges became. I was shaking terribly from the immense effort of trying to control myself.

I was honest and told her that I wanted to hurt myself because I felt pathetic and worthless, and that it'll all be well if I never existed. I was crying intensely, yet at the same time, trying to suppress my sobs and screaming. It was an ugly scene. Almost like an addict experiencing withdrawal.

Not forgetting to mention, it started off with a binge on cold pastry, bringing about a greater sense of ineffectualness. From there, it went downhill. I was crying and shaking, and scratching and biting myself. The pain on my flesh was only a fraction of the pain inside. That terrible ache one feels in their heart. Now I understand the rationale behind all the cutting people do to themselves. There really is a point when the physical hurting pales in comparison to the emotional hurting.

As much as having an unusually high level of sensibility, I knew I had to go to someone before I decide to let loose for once and go crazy with self-mutilation. As much as I don't want to bother him, knowing that he'll probably still be at work, I knew I had to do it. Proving my point, he was still at work when I texted him but he simply enquired the time I'll take to get to his place.

The usual routine of him telling me about his day at work and trying to cheer me up, before sending me to bed. Holding on to me without letting go because he knows I'll run away. My mode of defense.

He probed and I told him bits by bits. About how my self-esteem was rock bottom due to the constant branding from people. As much as I know that I'm proper and right, I can't help but to wonder if there's something wrong with me, when there's enough tirades being thrown my way.

A cycle of crying and stopping, a process of wetting his shoulder and pillow with tears. Perhaps at times incomprehensible due to the sudden outbursts and chokes in between tears.

The only random thought that night was of the sodium in my tears. Relation to human biology. I don't make sense even at such moment.

Mobile was switched off for 3 consecutive days, along with cessation of online activity and verbal communication. Total isolation.

Feeling much better now, but pondering over the aspect of me still caring as much. It only hurts so much because it came from people whom I hold dear to my heart. The nearer they are to your heart, the easier and deeper they can pierce.

Still sorting through my thoughts and trying to get a perspective.

Maybe I really am all by myself.

I hope my departure comes sooner. If I have no way of healing, then I'll suffice with the next best option. To run. As far away as possible.

Shadow

2008-09-25T00:43:00.002+08:00

The rocking of the body which stems from intense conflict; the part which wants to hurt and the part which doesn't. The rocking motion is somewhat comforting, almost like the gentle rocking of the younger days, except with increased intensity.

The bottle of cleaning agent, the rusty screwdriver, the huge mirror. All within reach. The intense desire to consume, to stab, to smash. The intense struggle to say no.

To hurt oneself takes immense courage and split seconds, while being rational and sane takes immense self control and conviction.

"Don't let people get into you."

Are you able to get past people's judgements, even those of the ones closest to you?

Does their opinions of you hold any value, even if it hurts?

And when it is those closest to you, and supposedly dearest to you, who hurt you, should you walk away, or stay on account of duty?

The grey area within morality and responsibilities often clouds the mind.

Do you walk away or do you stay?

Do you let the hurting continues, or do you choose to heal?

And just what's the value of family anyway?

"When the time comes for you to have your own family, you can choose to make it simple."

Bursting into tears again, leaving him puzzled.

I'm not confident that I'll make that happen. Once bitten, twice shy. What will my own family be like when it happens? There's just too much hurting.

Are you confident?

Will everything turn out all right?

Only time will tell.

Only time will tell.

In the meantime, let's learn to pick up enough courage to walk away, and let the healing begin.

He said

2008-09-24T17:45:00.003+08:00

I think there's something wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you! You're nice and sweet, smart and beautiful, and have a head on your shoulder. You don't care a lot about money, and you're happy with just a little of it.

So why are their words still able to get into me?

Double '2'

2008-09-20T17:29:00.105+08:00

Early in the morning, received a couple of surprises. Flowers with bears. Thank you for this wonderful thought from across the ocean.

Fabulous dinner with my lovely babe at Clark Quay. That silly girl actually bought me flowers and a cake! Silly but filled with sweetness! Called her when I reached the destination, but she said she was still busy with a couple of stuff. I actually saw her from afar with a bouquet of flowers, but decided to let her keep her mystery going.

Food was good, and the ambience was soothing. Most importantly, the company was fabulously excellent!

My birthday "cake" aren't exactly the usual fare, but they are awesome. The semi-globe one has a sinfully gooey hazel nut cream centre while the other is a deliciously sweet tiramisu. Both of them are truly disturbingly delightful desserts! Thanks honey!

After dinner, we headed over to Indochine for a drink while waiting for Momo to arrive. Earlier on, I asked that he wish me "Joyeux Anniversaire", and he was surprised that it was my birthday. As he was at Marriott for a company dinner, he couldn't get away. When he arrived, he said that he left earlier before the dinner ended, which was a really sweet gesture! Thanks Momo! That really was the icing on the cake.

That marks my wonderful night of turning 22nd, and I couldn't ask for more.

Thank you Jessica and Momo.